Enneagram Types & Marriage

September 26, 2019

Enneagram Types & Marriage

A great example of what the first few weeks of marriage feels like is season 9 episode 22 of The Office (USA). In this storyline Jim & Pam has been married for a little over 6 years. But the reality of marriage is that these issues Jim & Pam are facing: self-doubt, lack of communication, and pride, are there even in the beginning of marriage. My worst fear is that I won’t be what Drew needs from me, that I’ll disappoint him and not be all that he thought I would be. That when he sees what I truly am, he’ll walk away. But you know what the honest truth is, Drew doesn’t need me. Drew sees me for who I am better than anyone I know does. He picked me to live life with him because I annoy him less than other people, I have boobs, and we have similar beliefs. He loves me for who I am. He and I have to choose each day to pick each other.

It’s not easy, there are some days I don’t want to talk it out with him. Some days it feels like there are so many emotions going on in me that it would take too much effort to express them and it just seems easier to bury them and move on. But what is the issue in burying your feelings, they sprout up like an oak tree demanding attention.

In the past year, I discovered the Enneagram, a personality typing that started back in approximately 2500 BC. I have a Bachelors degree in Psychology of Science, so when I hear about personality tests, I research before I get too involved. I don’t think that within 9 types of the Enneagram one type is going to define you 100%. But I do think there is valuable information about learning your motives and paying attention to how other’s see the world differently than you do. On an Annie F. Downs podcast, they described each Enneagram type as a color, you can be navy blue or baby blue but you are still blue. One Reformer to the next might look different, but they both have a core motive. Before getting into Drew & I’s marriage and how the enneagram helped me understand more about him. I’ll go over each type briefly. (If you are interested in finding out your type, I encourage you to listen to a podcast on all 9 types and not take a quiz.)

My husband is a Challenger 8 with a wing of a nine, so he is what they like to call “The Bear.” While I’m a Reformer 1 with a wing of a Helper 2 what they call the “The Advocate.” Challengers are one of the most misunderstood of the Enneagram types, they don’t let others into their inner circle easily, but those that are in their circle, see them for what they truly are. Big teddy bears. When I first started liking Drew, I went to a mentor that knew Drew before I had met him and someone I thought had seen him in different lights. She honestly was stumped, the best thing she knew how to describe him was, an onion, he had layers. She had not seen those layers very much, not because Drew didn’t like her, but because she wasn’t a part of his circle. What proved to be more helpful was talking to one of his friends (which happened by accident because he saw me crying and made me talk to him). This will play into how Challengers do not like to be lied to and ultimately Challengers are protecting themselves from being hurt. His friend explained to me, that he knew Drew was hard to read, but just trust that when Drew says he is okay, he is okay. And that I needed to learn how to be honest with him and not beat around the bush about my feelings.

Okay so that’s a long explanation about the enneagram and, now let’s get into some of our marriage struggles and how the enneagram has helped me better understand our arguments and Drew's perspective.

Issue #1, Wanting To Be His Caregiver Rather Than His Helper.

This problem came up very early in our relationship, and it’s still something I am learning to notice when it comes up. This is easy to see in other relationships, but sometimes hard to see in your own. When you start demining your husband in front of other people or make fun of the way he washes the dishes. You are walking down a slippery slope. I decided very quickly, I was not going to talk bad about Drew to my girlfriends.

Come on ladies let’s stop painting our man to be a toddler that needs us. Talk about an odd Stockholm Syndrome we are chasing after. I can speak into this because I have been there and find myself going back there. I wanted Drew to be reliant on me, instead of me coming alongside and helping him with an issue, I wanted him to be dependent on me to get the job done. I would get very frustrated when he didn’t do something I wanted him to do my way.

How the Enneagram Helped this Issue

By learning about my Helper (2) wing, it was like a slap in the face. I wasn’t helping, I was focusing him to let me take care of him. Helping and being a caregiver are two different things. A helper comes along a capable person to add more input, while a caregiver takes care of someone who is not able to take care of themselves. With Drew being a Challenger (8) he is very independent and doesn’t need me to take care of him. I don’t buy him groceries, I don’t do his laundry, I don’t fix his lunches, he does those. He has been doing his laundry since he was seven years old. He doesn’t need me to do everything for him. Which can be a big shot to my ego. But is this marriage about fluffing my ego? No.

Something important to know about Helpers (2) for me was to realize that they find their value in helping others, and it can very easily be turned on its head where the person demands that others let them help them, even if their help isn’t needed or wanted. With being a Reformer (1), helping can turn controlling very fast. With Drew being a Challenger (8), being controlled is their worse fear, and they will fight back hard.

My Solution to me wanting to control him

One day, I saw what I was doing, it was like seeing into the future. I saw a husband with his hands tided and a wife force-feeding him. It also helped, that I had other couples around me at the time that I could see the wife being the caregiver to their husband and not the helper. I stopped trying to make him do things my way, I listened when he said he didn’t need help and I came when he said he wanted help. I'm learning that I’m not perfect and my way isn’t always the best way.

Issue #2 Not Having Open Communication Can Kill a Marriage.

I often bury my emotions or when I make a decision I regret, I try to hide what I did. This problem came up in a big way just this year. I had been dealing with UTI’s, but I didn’t talk to Drew about it. It hurt to have sex, but I didn’t want to say no (because that’s one way I can always give). When he found out that for the past three weeks I had been in pain while we were having sex, he felt very betrayed. There was something else I hadn’t been honest about, and it came out that same night. I could tell right then, that I couldn’t keep any more secrets. From then on, I had to be honest.

There has been a lot of research on divorce rates in the USA, a big factor they have found in couples divorced is a lack of communication. I don’t want our marriage to fall apart because I’m too worried about keeping up a perfect persona.

How the Enneagram has helped with this Issue

Challengers (8) have the ability to break down elements and see the end. They can read the situation and see the outcome. (Which is probably a defense mechanism). Drew’s great interpersonal abilities, often means he can read me and the situation better than I can. Which drives me bananas. But when I’m keeping information from him, he can’t see the real end. I have completely thrown off what he thinks the outcome will be, I have ruined his narrative. But even deeper than that I have told him that I don’t trust him enough to let him in. That breaks his heart, I can see the devastation all over his face. Now that I get how he sees my small lies or lies of omission, I’m much more likely to just tell the truth. With the Reformer (1) we are so concerned about being just and right to others, often more than to ourselves, we let ourselves believe that a lie here or there is okay to save face. But it’s not, I need to own my actions and my words.

My Solution to Lack of Communication

I have been working on my Interpersonal skills, a big one is emotional intelligence. Emotional intelligence, being able to understand and manage my own emotions. Yoga and morning pages have really helped me check in with my emotions. Realizing that marriage is a team effort. One of the biggest takeaways I got from a Communication class in college is that when you are working in a group, keeping information to yourself can be devastating to the group. How can anyone make decisions for the group when you keep out valuable information?

Issue # 3 His Need to Protect The Other Person

When Drew and I are talking, he will play the devil’s advocate until the sun goes down. This can make me so upset because it feels like he isn’t listening to me and he is trying to create conflict where there is no conflict. However, our idea of what a conflict is, is very different. I will run from any uncomfortable situation or topic that I know others don’t argue with. Drew’s idea of a conflict is not just an uncomfortable situation but instead an exchange of clashing ideas which can bring growth to both parties if allowed by the participants.

How the Enneagram has helped with this Issue

His need for justice runs much deeper than mine. I need others to see me as just, while Drew wants people to have their rights. So when I talk about someone or a people group that is not in the room, then he feels the need to protect their side of the story. It didn’t always feel like he was protecting though. Before I learned about his Challenger (8) type, I thought he was just disagreeing with me for the sake of disagreeing. Now I see that he honestly just wants me to try to see it from their perspective.

My Solution to His Need to Protect

This is something I have to work on every time he plays the devil’s advocate. I have to just let him protect the people. If I listen instead of just keep saying “his not listening to me” over and over in my head, which means I’m doing the same thing to him that I feel like he is doing to me, I could learn a new perspective. I have to find the beauty in how he sees conflict and think through opposing ideas.

Once I started writing this post, I realized there is a lot more I want to write about, as far as relationships and communication. The more research I did the more questions I had.